im not gonna worry...
ok...well thats not true but so often i wish i could live up to the statement, "don't worry"
life is so jumbled-and such a mess. i am confused more often than im certain and thats not always the most comforting thing- but maybe that means God is working in me...working in my crazy confused heart to made sure i have it right with Him? idk.
3 years ago on a sunday afternoon i sat in my parents living room with my sister jasmyn while she was playing chords on her guitar. we started messing around with lyrics and i remember writing the lyrics, "sometimes i wonder what's staring back at me, i've been so blinded by what i thought i should be" at this time in my life i was broken and hiding so many things, i wanted change but didn't know how to get out of it. i remember having many meanings behind those few lyrics, but the main things that stood out to me- i was being so blind to how i was treating the one's that loved me. i was selfish and self centered. i wondered how my family was viewing me but also the little girls that i sang to at concerts. i was putting on an 'act' and i was living a different life. i had all the idea's in the book of what i wanted to be and i was going to do just that-
God changed that all. i don't know the exact moment everything hit me and i wish i had a more ah ha moment to write about, but i dont-all i know is God tested me, i failed, but His grace and love came back to rescue me...i needed to change my heart. i honestly think the song Change that Heart was written for me. selfish i say that? i don't think so. when i am on stage singing this song it brings me back through all the stuff i went through and ends with saying, "im not who i use to be"-thats my anthem, right there, right now. i have a different heart, i have a different reason for living, i have a new mission in life-and it's awesome, im not who i use to be!
im running to God with all of my heart, with all of my scars, asking him to hold me in his hands and lead me where He wants me to go. i am asked often what i want to do with the rest of my life-i don't know. that scares me, that worries me, but God wants me to come to Him with my fears and lay it at His feet and that is something i am learning. i want to be faithful, i want to be honest, and i want to be real. Jesus' love never fails. period. I have a Father who is alive and here and i want others to know and see that and im just not sure how i am going to do that yet.
haiti changed me. gave me new light. the trip was not what i planned but God showed me that it wasn't about what i planned, it was His plan that mattered and i needed to follow just that.
reality can be hard. excited? yes! i serve an awesome God and who knows what He has in store.
this is my journey, this is my story, this is my life.
kb
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